An interesting observation – people are little adapted to common life situations.
For example: separation with a partner, conflicts, infidelity… how often do such situations occur in life?
What percentage of people do you think face these events or something similar?
I don’t think there’s an exact statistic, but if you think about it intuitively, my feeling is that it’s definitely more than 50%! It is one in two people who are not ready for that particular relationship to have problems and become unhappy. So why aren’t people prepared for what is almost certain to happen in their lives?
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We were taught a lot of things as children. They prepared us with information. Told us what to do if you encounter this or that.
For example: if you burn your finger, you have to put it under cold water, put some ointment on it.
We also know how to treat a cut. If you get your shirt dirty, wash it! We were taught how to wash too… in one word, we were taught that there would be unpleasant situations which we couldn’t be sure of and we were trained to act so that we could handle them quickly.
Now, as adults, we can easily cope with a cut, with washing dirty clothes, and with much more! We don’t faint, we don’t suffer for years. It’s great that we were prepared for all this in our childhood, that we were taught everything. Our psyche has adapted to such situations, there are skills that help us to “handle” all these troubles without emotional distress.
But if we look at children who have not yet developed certain skills, whose psyche is not accustomed to such situations, for them a tiny burn on the finger or a broken favorite children’s spatula will be a shock.
So why are we still little kids when it comes to relationships and what goes on out there?
It’s simple, there are two reasons.
The first is that we were not prepared informationally for what would happen in an adult relationship. On the contrary, they even said, “If a man and a woman break up, it’s very bad! It’s horrible! It shouldn’t be like that!”, “Only very bad people cheat! It will never happen to you! That’s a terrible thing!”, “There’s no conflict in a good family!”
Do you see what the time bomb is? All of these situations that most people are sure to find themselves in are rated as “something terrible.” How would a person react and feel if something terrible happened to him or her?
The second reason is that we have not been taught exactly what will happen when unpleasant things happen in personal relationships, and what to do about it? Like with a burn on your finger. What do they tell the child? It’s going to hurt, but it’s not fatal! Nothing serious will happen to your health. For the pain to go away quickly, you need to put your finger under cold water, and so on. Then the child puts the knowledge he has acquired into practice and then lives with ease. Cuts and small burns are easy to deal with, they don’t spoil your life, don’t knock you out, don’t leave deep emotional wounds.
Unfortunately, parents themselves don’t know what to do in many situations. And most importantly, what to do about the negative emotions that accompany all such situations.
After all, if parents were to say to their child, “In a relationship, there’s a high probability that this and that will happen, When something like this happens, you need to do this…” And teach psychological techniques for dealing with emotional pain. Then, when the child is confronted with something that hurts him or her deeply mentally as a child, he or she begins to put these techniques into practice.
And miracle, by the time he is an adult, he is fully emotionally adapted to negative incidents in his personal life!
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If, for example, a breakup happens, he quickly works it out, lives through and copes with the negative emotions, and lives peacefully on.
For most people this scenario is not possible. Because in matters of personal relationships we are stuck in a distant childhood: not adapted, not emotionally adapted, not ready to come into contact with real life.
But that’s not a verdict.
We are adults and can now begin to master what we have not been taught.